Fundraising

Fundraising is miserable. It literally brings me to tears. Why can't $15,000 just fall into my lap?

Where's Home?

I keep calling Ha Noi home. But Rochester is home right?

Lots of stuff has been going on since I've arrived back stateside! One of my best friends from high school got married, I've gotten to see much of my family and friends, and I was able to drive down to Virginia to see JP get ordained!

A lot of things have been put into perspective. God has definitely been preparing my heart and my relationship with Him for all the rough times and the unpredictable future.

Sometimes I just stop and think, "Seriously, what the HECK am I doing with my life?"

But it's the little moments that remind me that I know I'm following God's will. Like a woman from church yesterday crying because she is just so darn proud of me!

I've also given up spending so much of my energy on things that just aren't giving any return. My heart just can't handle so much give and no take. I need to quit putting my focus on so many different things and spreading myself so thin. I know what God wants me to do and I need to keep my eyes on the prize: eternal life in heaven and bringing as many of my friends as possible with me!! Party at God's house and you're invited!

See You Soon!

Wow! I didn't expect to get so emotional (and moody) this last week! There has been a lot of stress to make last minute plans to say goodbye, and official plans to say official goodbyes. I've just felt pulled in so many directions and have found it hard to keep my mind on the task in front of me. For example yesterday while I was supposed to be listening to the speaking final students, I found my mind constantly wandering to what I needed to pack still or plans for when I would return home. Unforunately the students speaking skills weren't that great, making it almost impossible to understand some of them, making it easier for my mind to wander.

I am so thankful that these are not really goodbyes but just "see you later"s. I can't belive I really thought I would be able to come for 5 months and then leave and return to the US forever! It's amazing how much I've fallen in love with the city, traffic and all! 2 1/2 months is a long time though, especially for the few girls that I have become very close to. I actually start tearing up just thinking about it. I'm hoping the summer flies by with all the presentations that I hope to do and family to spend time with :-).

For the next 2 1/2 months I'll have to resort to my many pictures to keep my memories alive and my friends close to my heart :-) And thankfully I'll still be able to see some key players in Team Vietnam: James and JP!

Tears of the Soul

For the longest time I think I was afraid to share with God how much I was really hurting. I thought it was a sin to be so angry with my situations, so sad when in retrospect I am so incredibly blessed in every aspect of my life. Maybe the sterotype of being a goodie-2-shoes Christian really had an impact on me. And I think some of the way I was raised and taught at school and church have something to do with it. I can't pinpoint a particular reason or lesson I was taught, but I can't really imagine where else these ideas would have come from. Anyways, lately there has been a lot of frustration and hurt in my life and it's been difficult finding a good venting mechanism for it.

But lately I've found a good mechanism: prayer. Go figure!! However I've been praying outloud. I find that if I am just praying in my head that it stays in my head and floats around gathers more angry thoughts and just makes things worse. But saying it out loud gets it out of me and I try to imagine literally talking it into God hands. I've realized that it's okay to show all those hurt emotions to God. Because who else can truly take them and heal my heart? Certainly not the sinful human beings here with me on Earth! God wants to know our every hurt and happiness!

I've also realized that crying isn't such a bad thing. I used to hate crying, and I still really dislike anyone seeing me cry. But crying isn't a sign of weakness! Some say eyes are a window into the soul, I say my tears are my window. I cry often these days. I cry at movies, tv shows, emails from family and friends, frustrations with the internet when I can't reach my family, matters of the heart. I think being in Vietnam has opened up my ability to be vulnerable, to let things truly touch my heart instead of just living life on the surface. All this is just more that God is doing in my life by bringing me here. I can only pray that I can have so many influences on the people here!!

Strike a Chord

"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up." - James Baldwin

"The more familiar two people become, the more the language they speak together departs from that of the ordinary, dictionary-defined discourse. Familiarity creates a new language, an in-house language of intimacy that carries reference to the story the two lovers are weaving together and that cannot be readily understood by others." -Alain de Botton

"Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye." -H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

"Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great." -Comte DeBussy-Rabutin

"You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love." -Henry Drummond

"The art of love ... is largely the art of persistence." -Albert Ellis

"Love is staying up all night with a sick child -- or a healthy adult." -Sir David Paradine Frost

"To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead." -Bertrand Russel

"Tell me who admires you and loves you, and I will tell you who you are." -Charles Augustin Sainte-Beuve

"To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be." -Anna Louise Strong

(It Always Comes) Back to the Future

Past events, recent events, and recent events that have reminded me of past events have all led me to do a lot of thinking about the future. Yeah it's scary. In an ever changing world, I feel like it's almost a waste of time to try to plan for more than a year ahead of time. Then again, when's the last time someone I knew became homeless? Penniless and out on the street with no family and no friends? I've never known someone like that and I know that my family would never turn on me if that even started to happen. So what's so bad about taking a risk? My parents encouraged me my whole life to do what I love and be what I want to be, so why should I let an uncertain future deter me from that? So what if I fall on my face?? At least I took the leap! At least I tried! Nothing worth having ever comes easy! If no one ever took a leap of faith about their future, imagine all the things we wouldn't have in the world. Galileo died defending his leap of faith, and he ended up being right! One of my absolute favorite songs is "When The Sand Runs Out" by Rascal Flatts. I want to make that my goal: taking leaps and hoping I land on my feet...and if not...try, try again :-)

Random Recent Funny Moments (to me at least)

1. The child in my house running at me with scissors trying to stab me.
2. All the men's worried reactions to me learning to drive a motorbike.
3. Learning that Peter Pan is a Christmas movie in Sweden.
4. Getting yelled at by a woman on a bicycle for walking in the street...when she was the one driving the wrong direction.
5. JP still trying to convince himself that the fan he bought me will be an air conditioner.
6. Being dubbed "Miss Totally Awesome" by some students.
7. Almost getting run over by a bus.
8. JP's super involved and serious lie about Vietnamese jumping spiders that can jump 10 feet and are deadly poisonous.

I love Vietnam.

Free At Last!

Last week I caught a bad virus going around Ha Noi that involved a very high fever. I was out of commission for about a week. Every few hours I was getting text messages from students asking how I was doing and when I would return to school. I missed them very much as well! I had a lot of time to reflect and pray while I was off of work, and I realized that if I missed my students and friends this much after only a week, how could I stay 8,000+ miles away from them?? I called St. Louis and told them I wanted to return for another school year of volunteer teaching :-) What a weight lifted off my shoulders!! Wow, at the exact time I really started praying for guidance, God gifted me with a virus for clarity :-) He works in mysterious ways!

This weekend was an incredible assurance that I have made the best decision. Myself and five second year students, the winners of an English contest in Ha Noi, travelled to Hung Vuong University in Phu Tho to help James and his students learn how to run the competition for themselves. We had SO much fun! The students all got along really well and made some good friendships. The joy and laughter of the weekend enforced my decision to want to be back here next year! Other perks of the weekend included my first home made meal by students, quality time with James and Michael, and finally some peace and quiet away from the city!

Nghia explaining the rules of the contest to the HVU students.

Bach Khoa and Hung Vuong connection :-)

Michael, myself, and James :-) I was so blessed to be able to spend time with them this weekend!

Stuck in Limbo

The hardest part about a decision like the one I have before me is that God has made it abundantly clear that no matter which path I choose, He will bless me and the people around me richly. So now it really IS just up to me! Almost every day I experience a moment where I realize that Vietnam is a place I am supposed to be, that I love, that I am needed. However at the same time my heart is longing to be back home with my family. I still have the fact that I have not quite finished my degree hanging over my head. Just 2 more Chemistry classes and a senior project and I'm done!! I am currently researching the possibility of taking Chemistry here in Vietnam...hopefully in English! I just really feel pulled to this field and all my relationships are just starting...I can't leave them now!

I had this awesome moment with one of my student's this weekend. We were waiting outside a pottery factory in Bat Trang for the rest of our group to finish. I grabbed her hand (hand holding of the same sex is a sign of closeness in Vietnam) and we walked down the street talking and giggling, about boys of course! I realized two things. 1. that I am perfectly comfortable being here and doing this sort of work...love it even! 2. that I am comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. I'm surprised at the second one. Being in a country where everyone is stick thin I figured my self esteem would plummet, but I've learned to hold my head high!

That's another huge lesson I've had to learn here: how to make my faith my own. In the US during Easter there are people around to wish you a Happy Easter. Here there isn't anyone to remind me about it! There are no devos, no chapel, barely any other Christians! There are sometimes days that seem like one big prayer that God would give me the right words to say, put me in the right place, grant me peace and clarity, keep me safe, even just to make the heat go away! I really like who I've grown to be in just these short 3 months and I literally cannot sit still when I think of the endless opportunities that God has laid out for me in the future :-)

It's been quite a while since I've updated so I won't go into too much detail about what's been going on lately!

Since Carl left, I've had to switch from teaching 4 of my classes to teaching 4 of his. After a little while though I will be switching back to teaching my classes that I started with. It's made making relationships a little harder, but now that I've taught all of K52 (8 sections) I am hoping to plan some group events for all of us, including a line-dancing class!

Aimee, my supervisor's wife, and I took a trip to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, for a shopping/girls weekend. It was so great! Just like being back in the US with 7-11's and Starbucks everywhere! It was nice to spend some time away from Vietnam to make me realize how much I miss it and love it here!

The view from Merdeka Square.

A week after getting back from KL, James and I flew off to Taiwan for an 8 day retreat with other SE Asia volunteers. It was such a blessing to be able to spend time with other volunteers! We were able to share our stories and what we do in our specific countries (Cambodia, Thailand, Vietnam, Taiwan) in our ministry. I am simply amazed at the work that the Lord does to ensure we are all where we are supposed to be, serving and loving Him and the people He has placed around us.

Me, standing on the Tropic of Cancer!

Coming back to Vietnam made me appreciate so much more the support system that I do have here. However it has made me very aware that perhaps I cannot work to the best of my ability because I don't have a "team" in the sense of what I was used to at CUAA or what they have in Taiwan. These next few weeks/months are going to be filled with prayer and waiting to see what God has in store for myself and for Team Vietnam.

If you know anyone who could possibly be interested in spending a year, or even just a semester in Vietnam teaching English, PLEASE give them my contact information: amanda.runey@keptprivate.com