Tears of the Soul

For the longest time I think I was afraid to share with God how much I was really hurting. I thought it was a sin to be so angry with my situations, so sad when in retrospect I am so incredibly blessed in every aspect of my life. Maybe the sterotype of being a goodie-2-shoes Christian really had an impact on me. And I think some of the way I was raised and taught at school and church have something to do with it. I can't pinpoint a particular reason or lesson I was taught, but I can't really imagine where else these ideas would have come from. Anyways, lately there has been a lot of frustration and hurt in my life and it's been difficult finding a good venting mechanism for it.

But lately I've found a good mechanism: prayer. Go figure!! However I've been praying outloud. I find that if I am just praying in my head that it stays in my head and floats around gathers more angry thoughts and just makes things worse. But saying it out loud gets it out of me and I try to imagine literally talking it into God hands. I've realized that it's okay to show all those hurt emotions to God. Because who else can truly take them and heal my heart? Certainly not the sinful human beings here with me on Earth! God wants to know our every hurt and happiness!

I've also realized that crying isn't such a bad thing. I used to hate crying, and I still really dislike anyone seeing me cry. But crying isn't a sign of weakness! Some say eyes are a window into the soul, I say my tears are my window. I cry often these days. I cry at movies, tv shows, emails from family and friends, frustrations with the internet when I can't reach my family, matters of the heart. I think being in Vietnam has opened up my ability to be vulnerable, to let things truly touch my heart instead of just living life on the surface. All this is just more that God is doing in my life by bringing me here. I can only pray that I can have so many influences on the people here!!